Or maybe I just eat all the crackers, Or the broccoli. depression, chronic pain, fatigue, whatever is hindering you], you just keep going on and work through it. *grinds teeth* Not. What happened to the man who always knew what to say and how to make it all better? Like, no. (Of course, theyre the first ones to ask Well why didnt she leave? This is not a democracy. My husband is at his parents place this weekend, and the first thing I did was make two meals worth of GF pasta with homemade red sauce my husband is diabetic, and the GF pasta does a number on his blood sugar, so we very rarely eat it. Setting limits is an excellent skill to acquire. It sounds like you two have a chance. It could simply be as simple as the fact that neither one of you feels attracted towards each other any longer. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, but hes come to the conclusion that, if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. You know that cartoon with godzilla and the hornets and the nope-ing retreat back to the sea. Encouragement. And sometimes the answer is I cant. Let's discuss four things that happen when you actually stop chasing a man and how this affects the relationship. There is something intimate about sweating next to your partner. He is avoiding it. 2) said, Im going to [the gym, for a run, to walk the dog, to a coffee shop to get out of the apartment for a bit], want to come? And the accepted my yes or no WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. 3. Seriously, FUCK HIM (and not in a fun way). He seems to have set up this power imbalance in the relationship where he is right and the one to be listened to and you are the one who needs to be told what to do and that makes me very uncomfortable. Just. Hell, take steps to meet some new people anyway. Make sure his action matches whatever he tells you. He may feel like criticizing you is the only way to help. LW, I think the Captain has a very good point about how you should be proud of the progress youve made the fact that you know that you are a person who can help themself and that you dont need someone else to be your Life Mechanic is a pretty damn good place to be, and some people never make it there. He is really good with computers and accounting. Guys, on the other hand, typically view themselves as weak and incapable if they voice their feelings or lean on other people for help or support. No is not an argument or a conversation, and youve said no to him his continuing to push, to decide for you how your body should be, how your life should be, is not okay. Leaving an abusive partner later on didnt scare me as much. If theres child support or alimony involved, the presence of those forms should be able to take care of the financial requirements.). I find that when one person is overly invested in helping someone else, its often an indicator that they have their own issues which theyre trying to feel better about. Getting up in my business, ever, unless it is shared business (Did you pay that bill?) or I have specifically asked him to (and I quit doing this b/c he doesnt really like it, its one more damn thing on his to-do list basically.) I wish Id seen the light a good couple of yeard before I did although I did find I had no guilt whatsoever or any what ifs as I had tried everything. Honestly its tough. In hindsight a lot of stuff was terrible and controlling but because I was invested beilived what he said until there was no trust left at all and I had utterly tried everything to get him to listen. Im struggling to find good ways to respond to my boyfriend when he tells me what I should or need to be doing. There are other ways to address issues without him going cold on you. Alas, LWs BF appears to be one of them. Powered by Mai Theme. I might add that my husband wholeheartedly approves of this, and Im sure he does the same thing when Im not around. If it was, hed be asking you how he can help you heal, not telling you how to heal for him. The problem is that if you cannot afford to pay it yourself the vehicle will eventually be repossessed so it is just a matter . I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. Drownings letter feels very familiar. That said, hes gotten very good about saying, OK, I can take over X now, please stop when X can be things like make sure I take my meds, make sure I eat, make sure I fill my pill pack, etc. Youre should-ing all over yourself. Stuart Smalley (aka Sen. Al Franken). Hmmm, actually, that wasnt the post I was thinking of. Your current partner sounds amazing based on that one tiny story you shared. This guy has given up, clearly, if you only see him in sweats or other loose-fitting, casual clothing. He wants to spiral your self-esteem back down, and then play the good boyfriend who knows whats best for poor you card. Weve been through some really hard times and some very good and stable times. Even when I was rebuilding my social life from zero, I was happier and more confident presenting myself as a person than as an untrustworthy and possibly unsightly appendage to another person. True story: I knew I needed to break up with my exboyfriend when I started composing Captain Awkward letters in my head. When people get all up on how logical and not swayed by petty emotions they are, I always end up thinking about the narrator of Ancillary Justice an AI whos been programmed with emotions because they *allow her to make better decisions*. He had a car and I didnt, and I didnt live near public transportation. When your boyfriend stops expressing his love for you, then it is time you took stock of the situation. Most men and women are very different, and relating to someone who is very different from you takes patience. It seems unwise even if someone asked me to do it, let alone unsolicited. Its still manipulation. There doesnt have to be any malice or entitlement in it. Set the boundary with your boyfriend, let him say whatever he's going to say, and try not to internalize any of it. A. Self improvement (vs self-care, self-discovery, living life with acceptance) involves believing something is wrong with you B. Yeah, dealing with a partners illness isnt FUN, but as you say yourself its part of the package. 1. Why cant you choose your own challenges and adventures? until I stop caring. And how can we fix it? No give me your logical reasons why this is a thing that is hurtful, no I dont think youre actually hurt about this, I think its this other thing. Theres nothing logical or reasonable about badgering your partner or dismissing their feelings. He felt justified in hurting my feelings as long as it was based in reason.. May 18, 2020 by Emily Cappiello. Make it clear to your boyfriend that you don't like it when he talks to her. I love it, but it doesnt agree with my boyfriend. We help each other a ton: I carry the groceries and he holds me and listens when I need it. I agree. Accepting you means accepting that. That does not sound like respect. It seems like work to go on about our day and converse about minutiae, but well do it because girls like that stuff. When were checked out its just not worth the effort anymore, so youll get more one word responses. NO. We spent an hour together crafting a long list of things he could do for me, with me. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. And exercise does help me it does! It kind of seems like he is very invested in being the one in control of your life and success, and that is at great odds with your wish to be the captain of your own ship, as it were. Telling me how logical he is. Maybe BF wants to push you because he thinks your mental health just requires external pushing. If I wanted to feel uncomfortable in a relationship, I would cover everything with thumbtacks with the sharp points out. 03/25/2018 20:22 Subject: Re:My boyfriend stopped having sex with me. Speaking of unconventional food pairings The Peanut-Butter and Bacon sandwich is a surprisingly delicious comfort-food combo (I like to toast the bread and add a dash of worcestershire sauce). But this is what worried me most when I read your letter. Flags everywhere! We dont try and manage the others health and healing, though. The hurt and pain are felt by both people involved, but if your ex regrets what happened, they might be looking to get a reaction out of you. This is another clue that the boyfriend isnt all that invested in the LWs progress toward real, positive change. If you havent seen your friends in a while, call them/message them and schedule a hangout. Release your grip and be open to any possibility in your relationship. That person is going to be psyched by evidence that you are capable and willing to chart your own course, and think, Hey, my partner must be feeling better, since they have their shit under control. I hate those inspirational stories. You need people who are delighted by you and people who see you as competent and great. I like it on toasted cinnamon-raisin bread. Focus on your job/school/career/interests/hobbies/family/friends because this will make you a lot more interesting. So LW: dump your boyfriend, or dont dump your boyfriend. Do you think you might try that?-level of caretaking from and for a partner, and it sucks to be in either role when you dont know if or when things will get better. You know everything he said is true. Hopefully asking questions like this would help suss that out. *nodnod* They may backslide occasionally, especially when you have moments when you struggle, but when you say Hey, I got this, they are going to immediately apologize and back off. Boyfriend wants to help, and hes looking at the logical things yes, eating right and exercising make you feel better IN THEORY but he doesnt comprehend those days when just brushing your damn hair is a massive effort. I love it, he doesnt. Sadly, that didnt stop his fixing behaviors in other areas of my life. He assumes you want to understand things as exhaustively as he wants to, so (if you have asked about a thing, like say directions or a computer how-to) he goes ON and ON into tiny details unless you stop him. There were plenty of other things wrong with our relationship, but I was super-duper in love with him except that now I realize the person I ACTUALLY liked, loved, and respected was the imaginary version of him that lived in my head. Your boyfriend should be treating you with love and compassion, not telling you your efforts are Not Good Enough (seriously, WTF?!). He wants me to exercise more, eat healthier, help out more with the cleaning, and take better care of myself. If he can hear criticism and change his behavior accordingly, then maybe thats a partnership that can be forged. Cant remember him ever doing this either. I spent most of my life not being good enough for some reason or another and its a way for some one to exert control by keeping you off balance. If hes not pulling his weight, then this is an attempt to manipulate you into doing all the work. How does this affect you? It makes me feel bad when you dont eat your vegetables because I caaaaaaaaaaare about you.. You cant be shamed or cajoled into doing those things: it might work for a little while, but unless the changes are self-implemented in a healthy and manageable way, theyre not going to stick. First, he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. Theres a degree to which each partner does handle their own issues, but also an extent to which partners work together to help each other. It says hes putting himself and his comfort ahead of your joint comfort together, and also your personal comfort and enjoyment of your own life. This right here: to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard is verbal abuse. And all those cultural messages about Kids These Days Giving Up and In Our Day We Didnt Divorce, and Thats What For Better And For Worse Means make it really, REALLY hard to believe that this relationship is making me stressed and unhappy is, in actual fact, a perfectly reasonable cause for exiting a relationship. He says, You should exercise. A year ago, that would have maybe resulted in you shuffling your feet and cycling through guilt about how yes, you should probably exercise but you just cant. Some of the things the LW mentioned (such as helping with chores) certainly could affect the boyfriend, while there are other things (the LWs exercise and food intake) that do NOT affect the boyfriend. When things improve, can the caretaker let go and not calcify your roles into The Helper and The One Who Needs Help? He thought (for a couple of reasons) that it was a scam (as did my Dad who lent me the money to go to the course). So many hugs to you. Therefore it can never be a cure or anything more than an occasional thing. You are the person who knows whats best for you. So, to me, a partner who listens and trusts you about your health and is willing to accept hardships when you have problems is a safety issue. He used to be the one who cheered you up when you were down, but now he is also always in a bad mood. But, if that was all there was to it, he wouldnt be getting angry when she isnt doing those things, or dismissing and belittling her words. Well here are some tips what to do when your boyfriends stop texting. Its not that men suddenly become secretive when they lose interest in their relationship, its that men are not by nature sharers of information in the same way females are. Congratulations on all the work you have done and everything you have accomplished. Not only is that (a) SO VERY NOT COOL, its also (b) likely reminiscent of the very types of behaviors that led to you developing those not good enough feelings in the first place. Get a cookbook and try new recipes out with each other. What happened to the man who always had his arm wrapped around your shoulder and never looked at another girl as long as you were both together? Second, I think that anything you can do to reach out to people who are Not Your Boyfriend is going to help. Another script LW may want to try: How does this affect you? In the examples in the letter, the answer would probably be not at all which should make the boundary more clear. And its also vanishingly unlikely that he can be moved out of the fixer mode. Its a power and control thing and points to major issues that he needs to work on himself. i got a screw driver thing and tried to force the switch witih t; I have a hp 2000 notebook pc and the touch pad and cursor aren`t letting me click on things but the cursor does move? If it does happen though, most times he will cancel on short notice because something came up at work so he couldnt get out of it. Depression. Or, if you can handle it, let them know that you think your friendship has run its course because you are at two different points in life. Boyfriend is still back in the pre-treatment you have no idea what youre doing because depression has fucked up your brain thing and is still in triage mode. 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